New beginnings

September 10, 2007 conceivingisbelieving

I’m one of those people who likes to find meaning where there’s usually no meaning at all. I remember when I was younger I would suddenly get a pang and think ‘today is the last day of March in 1988 forever’. I wouldn’t do anything special to note the loss of that date, I’d just savor the feeling of being in a moment I would never be in again. I assumed everyone did things like that until I mentioned it to a friend of mine who looked at me like she couldn’t understand the words coming out of my mouth.

As I got older, I liked to think I could somehow figure out what my plan in life was supposed to be based on different signs only visible to me. It could be the grade I received on a paper or a restaurant i was taken to on a date. I needed to feel that there was a plan to my life and if I looked for clues I could find them and therefore not feel so lost. Obviously, it was only when I gave up control that my life really started to happen.

From the start of all my infertility crap, over 2 years ago, I have been trying to give up control. I know intellectually that having a baby is not something I can make happen. But every month, with every pill I swallow and every ultrasound and procedure I endure, it gives me the sense that I am doing something which should result in pregnancy. On top of all of that, my regular thoughts play tricks on me as well. I find myself truly believing that G-d’s plan was for me to get pregnant the month after my sister. This was, of course, based on nothing but my own feelings but still, I believed it as if it was the gospel truth. Whether it was ‘knowing’ somehow that I would for sure be pregnant by the end of 2007 or that my sister-in-law and I would overlap in pregnancies, I had myself so convinced that each month I would honestly be in shock when I wasn’t pregnant.

This Wednesday night is the start of Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year. Coincidentally enough it’s also the night I’m starting my next cycle of Clomid. Immediately my mind raced thinking that of course this was some sort of sign. And now, sitting here writing this blog, I know that it doesn’t mean anything. What I’m left with is the emptiness of not knowing what this year or what my life will bring.

With B in the States, it’s made me realize how grateful I am to have him in my life. Last year, around this time, we went on a belated honeymoon to Italy. It was romantic and fun and we cracked ourselves up by butchering the Italian language. I know I’m lucky enough to have married my soulmate. I need to accept that it may just be the two us for quite some time, if not for always. As much as it hurts me not to have a little baby to wrap my arms around, I have to be ok if that never happens.

 A co-worker today said to me that some people just aren’t meant to have things come so easily to them. For the first time in a very long time I finally looked at myself as a part of a community instead of a lone sufferer. I have to get back to my more compassionate self instead of always focusing on my own crap. This week when I’m in synagogue I hope to gain peace with myself by surrendering control to a much higher power. If next Rosh Hashanah comes and I am still battling these infertility issues, I just hope to be a better person for it.


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One Comment Add your own

  • 1. babystep  |  September 12, 2007 at 11:33 pm

    I see signs everywhere. I saw an image of my doggie that died last January, in the ceiling of my acupuncturist’s office. I thought for sure it was a sign! (It wasn’t this month, but I am sure I will see more signs next month!) I am sorry you are lonely – when does B get back?

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