A time to pray

September 23, 2007 conceivingisbelieving

Last week I went to see the holistic doctor and I’m still processing the experience. The day I went, work was crazy busy and didn’t have a second to prepare myself. I went in with absolutely no expectations. I guessed I would start crying, I didn’t realize how quickly it would take before I was sniffling into a crunchy paper towel.

This healer is an ultra-orthodox man with a great sense of humor. His questions were probing, unapologetic and coming from every direction. Questions ranged from talking about my favorite foods  to describing my greatest fears. His questions also reached out to uncomfortable places I don’t usually let myself think about, like why I wouldn’t want a child. So many questions were ones that don’t come up on a day to day basis but as soon as he asked them, answers sprung out of me like they were always on the tip of my tongue. Uncoventional questions but ones that made sense for him to know and made me wonder why no one had asked me them before. I’m sure it’s standard for this type of therapy, but it was all new and very enlightening to me.

What I really liked was how he analyzed me and told me what he thought my problems were. It was extremely refreshing after the typical “let me sit back and silently judge you” look I would normally receive from a psychologist. One thing he told me was that I ask too many questions. I’m constantly questioning the future and trying to predict what will be. I just need to stop. Since leaving his office, I keep feeling those questions rising up and I’m doing the best I can to squash them. It’s really not an easy thing for me and it’s taking all my energy to force my mind away from my calendar and calculator. I need to just be in the moment and not try and plan out my future. Whatever has to happen, will happen regardless. It’s a constant struggle going against my instincts but I’m really trying.

The other interesting thing that happened was when he asked me if I prayed. He said he wasn’t asking it because he’s religious but just to understand where I’m at. I told him the truth, that I have a block against it. His eyes almost popped out when I told him my middle name. Mainly because both my first and middle name are names of women in the Bible who had problems conceiving. Both prayed and were then able to have children. He said G-d needed to hear their prayers and that’s why they were infertile at first. When he said it his eyes pierced mine and he really saw me. I didn’t even bother to hold in my tears at that moment.

In my normal life, if someone who looked liked this homeopath told me to pray I would roll my eyes, but when he said it something opened inside of me. He wasn’t saying anything earth shattering but he was talking directly from his heart to mine. He was so honest and genuine when he was talking about what I needed to do that him suggesting I pray wasn’t preachy, it was just the truth. At that moment my mind let go and my heart knew what it had to do. I didn’t know how ready I was for this, it was a great and happy surprise. I’m now going to receive a Calcium based remedy which a pharmacy in another city is preparing and will mail to me.  I’m not thinking of it as a pregnancy potion but more of something which will help me cope. He told me to come back in 2-3 months. My gut response was to say “I’m not going to be pregnant by then??!” But I stopped myself and didn’t say a word. It was the first time I felt in control of my emotions.

It helped when I went to get ultrasounded the next morning. I usually wait at least 45 minutes before seeing the technician so I had planned to pray quietly in the waiting room hallway before I was called in.  By some miracle I only waited 3 minutes before it was my turn and I panicked that I didn’t have time for real prayer beforehand. I needed it for strength not for answers. So there I was lying down waiting to see what my follicles looked like and I started to talk to G-d asking over and over again for things to be ok. I know I can’t get rid of my Doctor appointments, tests and procedures but ultimately this is not in science’s hands and that finally sunk in. It happens to be that my follicles are growing nicely and hopefully I’ll be able to do the IUI this month. I left the ultrasound room full of gratitude and relief. 

When I was at the homeopath, he didn’t talk about G-d, just about praying. There were no lectures on religion but I walked out of there with a lot of my faith patched up. I clearly have a long way to go before winning “Jew of the year” but I would not have been the same going into Yom Kippur without seeing him.


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One Comment Add your own

  • 1. babystep  |  September 23, 2007 at 7:39 pm

    Sounds like a fantastic experience. I would have wanted to go and see him weekly! 🙂

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