Where oh where did my vacation go?

October 15, 2007 conceivingisbelieving

A couple weeks ago I was in a hotel by the beach. Our room had a balcony which had a view of the sea and every night B and I would sit there and watch the sun set orange over the water. We were there with my pregnant sister and my super skinny brother-in-law. We all ate enough food to never deserve to be hungry again, it was fabulous. We did other things like sit by the pool with trashy magazines and steal lotions from the maid’s cart, but nothing that required large amounts of energy. It was fortuitous that I O’d right around the time we were there and began my 2 week wait focusing only on whether to get pancakes or omelets at breakfast (I had both).

I returned from vacation to a hellish workload and the nerve wracking end of the 2 week wait. From Sunday-Wednesday I took about 10 hpts. Each one more negative than the one before. Of course I was not convinced so I went for a blood test early Wednesday morning. I didn’t get the results until 7pm so I was going a little nutso at work but I didn’t really believe I was pregnant so I was sort of ok.

So there I was. Home from work, alone in my apartment, I went online to see if my blood test results were posted and then I saw it. My HCG wasn’t negative! BUT, it was 9. What the hell is 9 you ask? I asked it too. My poor heart was racing. At first I believed I was really pregnant and then I started to cry. It was such a relief to see a number that was higher than 2. I just thought about how long it had been since I miscarried – almost a year and a half ago – and I was overcome with tears.

After trying to talk myself out of calling B and waiting for him to come home (that lasted a total of 3 seconds), I shakingly told him the news and couldn’t stop crying out of relief and also confusion. I mean, really, a 9??? B is always the one who likes to be cautious and won’t let himself be excited, but even he had a smile on his face and believed it was something good.

I took another blood test the next day and called my Dr. She said straight out that a 9 was negative. Just like that I was completely crushed. I was so ready to see a negative HCG number and when that didn’t happen all my hope came rushing back. It took one moment to destoy all the work I’ve done at trying to squash all possible hope from my system. Did that really have to happen? As the song goes “why do you build me up, buttercup, baby, just to let me down?”.

In the end my HCG actually went up to 13 which caused my Dr. to rethink he original diagnosis and say that perhaps I was just really early along. I spent an agonozing weekend thinking I had an ectopic pregnancy and not being able to sleep until I found out yesterday that I was definitely not pregnant. And so goes another cycle.

For the few days when I thought there was still hope, I felt my life clicking together. Everything made sense, my skin was perfectly clear and I could really see myself with a July baby. I know I have a good life but I can’t get a handle on this. It’s so ridiculous already that I want to scream out in frustration. I also feel like my Dr. is not giving this the attention it deserves. I sometimes feel like everyone is waiting until I’m 40 before they get drastic.

We actually have an appointment with the Dr. on Wednesday night. I’m going to ask her to refer me to a really aggressive specialist who can start us on IVF asap. I need my situation to change immediately. I was talking to B last night asking him if it was this painful before we got together when we were wondering when and if we’d ever find each other. I was crying while we were talking and I could see in B’s face how torturous this whole thing is on him. I need someone to tell me this is going to change.


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One Comment Add your own

  • 1. babystep  |  October 15, 2007 at 11:03 pm

    I am so sorry you had to go through that. I wonder why you had a 9 and then a 13, is that a chemical? I always thought that 5+ was pregnant. What a nightmare. Once you get on the IVF wagon you are going to feel better. I am starting my protocol (I am on birth control pills and have my injections class this week!) and I am pretty relaxed. Because I have a plan. Because we are making progress. We have been trying for 5 years and I have never been pregnant. I am 38 and I think I know exactly how you feel (except I have never had a miscarriage – and I am very sorry for your loss). Please hang in there. Take good care.

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