Posts filed under: ‘infertility‘




Top ten signs AF is on the way

10. I can play connect-the-dots with my cluster of zits that have settled nicely on my chin.

9. I have to wear my fat pants to fit over my bloated belly.

8. Someone accidentally brushed by my right boob and it felt like a mamogram. (I haven’t actually ever had one of those but apparently they hurt like hell.)

7. In addition to hurting, I’m getting “double boob” where my breasts start coming out the tops of my bra.

6. I started crying in the first three minutes of “Extreme Makover: Home Edition”. I usually save my hiccuping cries until the end but last night all it took was the opening credits. (The husband was blind and the nicest guy ever!)

5. I’ve been experiencing major hot flashes. Granted I live in the Middle East where there is a massive heat wave at the moment and granted I have no air conditioning at home but still! I know my hot flashes. 

4. I did two loads of laundry and hung up most of my clothes last night. For me this constitutes a cleaning spree. This isn’t usually one of my pms symptoms but it is for my best friend whom I lived with for years. She was just in for a visit and I believe that’s what caused the transference of this to me.

3. I am eating potato chips, pickles and twix bars at an alarming rate. These sweet and salty cravings are taking over my life.

2. I quit shoving those progesterone suppositories inside of me (which were delaying the inevitable flow) because…

1. My beta HCG from Sunday was zero.

I really cried hard at that one. I found out around 2:30pm on Sunday afternoon while at work. It was really hard to keep the tears in all day. If I wasn’t thinking about holding them back, my eyes would start to tear up without warning. Finally, at the end of a really long, draining day I made my way home and as soon as my key unlocked my apartment door it triggered a major waterfall. I’ve had cries where I’ve felt I was pitying myself or ones where I tried to talk myself out of it, but this was just crying with total abandon. It was a far better expression of my feelings than I could have done with words. The thought of blogging what I was feeling couldn’t come close what my tired, messy, hot, and sad tears could do.

And yet, today is Thursday and I’m trucking. I spoke to the Dr. today who seemed genuinely surprised that the IUI didn’t work. We agreed to try again with the IUI next month but since I’ll be in the States for a visit we may miss the all important ovulation time. There’s always the chance we could just “go natural” and have it work but I think I’m too cynical to believe that’s a real possibility.

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Add a comment June 28, 2007

Searching for a pink line

I was very proud of myself last week for not succumbing to the pull of the drugstore to buy home pregnancy tests. Last night, I caved. I’ve been having restless dreams at night, torturing myself wondering if I am or not. The truth is, I haven’t felt any real symptoms. The only thing I am feeling is fat but I’m calling it “bloated” and blaming it on the progesterone suppositories which are taking over my life. The act of shoving something up my hoo-ha is one thing, but the truly gross thing is how they leak out of me the next day. I feel like I’m constantly peeing in my pants. It’s lovely.

 Getting on with it, so I bought the HPTs yesterday. I got 2 different kinds. One claimed to be so sensitive I could test 9 days post-ovulation (which I was yesterday), the other was able to be read after 10 days. So I took the 9 day test and saw nothing. I was a little deflated but quickly remembered that it’s still very early to test. After a bit I looked again and thought I saw a faint glimmer of pink. There I was holding my pee stained stick up to the light at different angles to read it better. I tried getting B into the fun, but he won’t let himself feel hope and excitement until we see an actual baby. I understand and admire that actually, it’s just not in my nature to be able to be that logical. Anyway, I was getting really frustrated at not being able to read this test so I decided to break it open. It’s not as crazy as it sounds. This test is an Israeli brand test which is a strip of paper enclosed by a light purple plastic shell which snaps together much like those free plastic cars that used to come in boxes of Rice Krispies. I was so good at putting those together that I recognized immediately how easy I could pop open the purple protective covering and get to the all important strip. And get to it I did. And then I saw it. There was definitely a light line in addition to the control line. But wait! The only problem is that the instructions said not to read results after 20 minutes and it was after 20 minutes when I decided to go into the garbage and break open the test. As much as I tried ignoring it, I couldn’t stop but stare at it until I began to wonder if I actually willed the very, very light pink line there.

Thankfully, I had another test to try. I forced myself to wait until this morning to take it but then I woke up at 4am and knew there was no way I could go back to sleep without an answer. So I broke out test #2 and somehow managed to aim and pee on the stick at that ungodly hour. Unfortunately, it was a big fat negative. Not even a hint of a pink line. Even hours later when I pulled it out of the garbage. On a side note: I should probably stop doing that.

I didn’t know how I would be able to concentrate for the rest of the day, but luckily my job requires me speaking with people about their issues so I’m forced to consider that maybe the world doesn’t revolve around me. Two more hours to go until I can buy more tests. I’ve decided to get another purple toy car as well as the 10 test and maybe one more to mix things up. Maybe this month I’ll just turn my entire paycheck over to the drugstore and we can call it even.

Add a comment June 20, 2007

A moment of peace

The good news is that my sister is pregnant. The even better news is that I’m surprisingly ok. This is most probably due to the fact that I haven’t seen her or her stomach since the big news broke.

 This month I had decided to take a break from the ovulation tracking, I mean it’s not a snowstorm for crissake! Based on my last 2 cycles I should be ovulating over this coming weekend. Last month during “ovulation watch” I dreaded getting out of bed and literally dragged myself to my ultrasound and blood tests. I definitely feel freer and less depressed but because I don’t know when it’s coming, I am experiencing some weird ovulation dreams.

It hit me the other day, on the phone with my brother-in-law, how silly all of this is. Trying to choreograph pregnancy is like setting up friends on a blind date. It doesn’t seem to be the natural order of things. I’ve definitely lost perspective in all of this and become exactly the person I never wanted to be. I don’t walk around sad or wallowing but it’s always right there, beneath the surface waiting for some insensitive remark. It’s not a way to live. If I’m not going to get pregnant now then I have to make some major changes. For one, I need to become a gym-a-holic. I have an obsessive personality and enjoy the high from working out, I just need to freaking join a gym! I was about to on Friday but instead I got my hair highlighted. Others things I intend to do are: start writing a book, be in touch with friends on a more regular basis… ok those things are major enough.

My ex-therapist told me to expect to get pregnant this year but not this month. I’m clinging onto that. I’m trying to really believe it so I don’t lose it when this month is a bust. For now, this is my month off from the craziness. Next month I’ll get aggressive, force my doc to up my Clomid dose and have triplets. For now, I just have to chill. 

Add a comment March 18, 2007

Raise your hand if you’re pregnant

That’s what I would like to say to everyone in my life right now. Just so I can know and prepare myself for the inevitable when someone opens their mouth and tells me their great news. And it is great. I don’t begrudge anyone a baby bump. Not even my sister who will find out tomorrow if this month worked for her. I would just like not to be surprised, as I feel I constantly am, by news of the next person I know getting bitten by the pregnancy bug.

Did I mention my sister-in-law is also expecting? I have sort of adopted her pregnancy as my own even going so far as to accompany her to her ultrasound appointment. I’m trying not to be a scary stalker and luckily she’s very understanding and super supportive. I’m happy to be involved instead of being the ostracized, infertile relative that I am. Ok, no pity parties just yet.

I have succumbed to the irresistable urge of googling my medical issues. Today I read all about the side effects of Clomid including Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome (OHSS), which I have conveniently diagnosed myself with. Some of the symptoms include abdominal pain and diarrhea which I have been experiencing like crazy today. As a side note, I happen to be wearing control top tights which are cutting off my circulation and may be contributing to my gastro situation.

I also found out about having a PCT (post-coital test) which I will have to do next cycle to see if my cervical mucus is giving the spermies a hard time getting where they need to go. The great thing is that I have quickly have sex 2-12 hours beforehand and then make sure I’m ovulating during the test. It sounds like too much coordination for me.

 The worst thing I read today is that when people have success with Clomid it usually happens within the first 3 cycles. Right now I’m in my 3rd cycle. My history, so far, has been far from “usual” so I’m not expecting to finally become mainstream. I am worried, however, as to what that will mean for future cycles. I know there’s a life of IUIs and IVFs out there, but right now they seem so far away. The thought of getting to that point seems fraught with bad news and more tests, both things I would like to stay away from.

I guess anxious would be the best description of my mood right now. I keep wishing I could inject some botox into the furrow of my brow to smooth it out. Instead, I’ve been opting for the home remedy of periodically forcing myself to look surprised. I’m not sure who this is helping but at least it distracts me from going online.

To sum up, my life right now consists of staring at the midsection of all women who cross my path and clicking my way to bad news whenever I’m in front of a computer. Did I mention I sit at a computer 8 hours a day? Goodtimes.

Add a comment March 14, 2007

Day 11

This past cycle was a tough one to rebound from. It seems that every month the pattern becomes more pronounced and the bitchiness, in turn, gets out of control. I’ve decided not to go for the ultrasounds and blood tests this month. I understand the different types of cramps I have and what signifies ovulation, I don’t need to see the follicle and get all attached. The other bad part about the ultrasounds is that the technician always gives me a picture of my uterus! I have so many of these pictures it’s ridiculous. I feel like my nephews with their Yugioh cards. They’re completely useless, they’re everywhere and I can’t bring myself to throw them out. Maybe I should start trading them.

In other news, I started eating chocolate again. The good stuff. And for some reason this is the time when everyone at work notices that I’ve lost weight. Every day someone says something complimentary about my size. They couldn’t say this when I was eating string cheese all day long? I’m trying to fight the positive chocolate reinforcement but it’s difficult. I have to remind myself that my parents and siblings are coming for a visit soon and are bringing clothes which I need to fit into. I have a lot to do before they come but I know once they do I’ll be so happy to see them. I figured out that I’ll be at the end of my cycle when they’re here. I’m not sure I can take my whole family’s dissapointment when I get a negative answer.

 For now my coping mechanisms seem to be baking and adopting the mantra of “always a bridesmaid, never a bride”. This was my philosophy when my friends started getting married and leaving me in the dust. As long as I didn’t expect to be the one getting married I was ok. I could be an active participant in their plans, be the crazy dancer at the wedding and, most importantly, not be the bitter friend drunk in the corner. I realize that my mistake with this whole pregnancy thing was assuming that I would be next to jump on the baby train. Of course, my other philosophy in life is that as soon as you stop wanting something, that’s when you get it. So I’m trying to talk myself out of thinking that this will happen to me in the hopes that it will. It’s convoluted but it’s worked for me in the past.

2 comments March 12, 2007

South Beach: Day 1

My dreams of starting this post with a “BFP!!!” were rudely shot down last night when I received my blood test results. This, after spending the whole day gagging from weird smells which no one else noticed. I made my co-workers eat bites of my take-out pasta to indentify the spice that was making my nose itch. All for naught. Strangely, I wasn’t sad or on the verge of tears, I was pissed off. I was livid in an “I’m an angry, irrational teenager” kind of way. I totally bit my husband’s (I’ll refer to him as “B” from now on) head off when he asked me if I wanted to watch 24 which just wasn’t fair at all. I mean, why should Jack Bauer to receive my wrath? He was stuck in a Chinese prison for 2 years.

The worst part is that all my preparations for bracing myself by going to my hokey therapist did nothing for me! I know exactly what to do when I can’t stop crying but I have no idea how to handle being so totally mad.  So far, taking it out on innocent taxi drivers seems to be serving me well but somehow it doesn’t strike me as a healthy approach.

Left up to my own devices I would have stayed on the couch all night long watching really bad sitcoms but luckily we had made plans with B’s sister and brother-in-law to celebrate the 5th anniversary of B’s Aliyah. At first I couldn’t even speak, I felt rigid and tense (my therapist teaches me how to pay attention to what my body is doing) and my throat felt closed off from making any conversation. Apparently, Latin food and a lot of Merlot was all I needed to let go. I was making jokes, laughing, and even warmed up to B, who I knew only wanted to help me by illegally burning 24. Because I always lose my appetite right before AF (aunt flow) comes, I officially began South Beach last night…if you don’t count half a bottle of Merlot.

B and I ended up watching four hours of 24 after we came home. Part of me thinks I should be dealing with my anger issues instead of zoning them out with really good TV, while the stronger part of me is pushing me to realize that cycles are called as such because there’s always a new beginning. Ok, for some reason that just made me start crying. I guess I can use my well-learned techniques now.

1 comment January 17, 2007

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